Since my last post, the newly celebrated feeling of impending parenthood have been halter very temporarily. On September 20th, 2014 I was in the hospital for my first visit. I was experiencing significant bleeding, leg numbness and arm numbness. I was sent home with the diagnosis of “Bleeding In Early Pregnancy”. The very next day, my bleeding worsened and I again returned to the hospital only to be diagnosed with the term “Threatened Miscarriage” and to followup with my OB in 24-28 hours. I have noticed some serious differences with my Elective Abortion verses my Spontaneous Abortion.
During my Elective procedure, March 3rd of 2014, there was a significant amount of respect, dignity and understanding. Every comment, question, action and decision was made with me not for me. The situation was taken seriously and with pride. My closure was immediately and I felt as though a great burden was lifted off my chest. My husband would deploy in a matter of months and with the lineup of Deployment and my Due Date, he would not have been home for six months. That’s half a year of him completely missing the development of our little creation. I would face parenthood for two alone at home in a city where the nearest family was 1,423- 1,443 miles away. The father of our child would have little to no contact and would face potentially years of self resentment for (in his own words) “leaving you two with a decision we mutually made”. After multiple stressful nights and panic attacks, I made an appointment with an organization I had visited as an uninsured patient to receive birth control, STD testing, pregnancy tests and who I gladly trusted with my rape; Planned Parenthood. I called on a Saturday morning, my appointment was made that following Monday. The procedure took place in an doctor’s office no different than any other. There were no protesters that afternoon. Inside was an air conditioned room with chairs and posters on the walls. There were magazines on small tables and a TV playing a cheesy, old movie. The biggest difference in the waiting room was the thick glass surrounding the receptionist corner. Three windows with an air vent to ask and answer questions and a slot to exchange a clip board and any form of payment. I felt sadness for the extremes the employees had to take here. How many people had threatened to shoot, bomb, rape or cause any other bodily harm to them? A ghostly reminder of my former anti-choice ways flashed in front of me as I imagined the slain Dr. Tiller before sitting down with my husband. He seemed so chill. So relaxed. I understood that ideally, we would have maintained the pregnancy and that we both think back on how old and what the little cherub may have looked like. However, reality has a very keen sense for moments like these. We have discussed that something would have likely gone wrong since I was showing signs of an impending spontaneous abortion anyhow. Chromosomal abnormalities do not fare well and the body had a natural reaction to disregard whenever that happens at times. And, oh yeah, the whole deployment thing. That was a huge reasoning for that cherub to not be introduced until half a year into their life to their father.
A woman in scrubs opened a door and called my name and I was to follow typical standards of any office visit. Urinate in a cup with some basic info and find my way down the hall to the assigned room. I was directed to disrobe and dawn the typical patient attire. The latest fashion of a warm blanket and a sheet with sleeves. The room was small and well lit by sunlight, even with the blinds closed. There were gloves and a sink. And a small table where my backside was showing. A nurse came into check my vitals and perform a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I lied down. The heartbeat started not long after. I wasn’t thrilled about the fuzzy, washer imitation. I felt like I dodged a bullet as the sound finally ceased. A tad bit anxiety of not seeing the doctor made me grit my teeth before catching myself. A few minutes later, the doctor and her assistant came in. The doctor was friendly and direct. “How are you feeling?” She asked. “Hungry.” I spouted off. There was a light bit of laughter before the assistant asked me about what birth control I was interested in. I mentioned Skyla and she was impressed that I had heard of such. She told me that they were able to assist me but my insurance did not cover it. There was a loop hole we could attempt that would require me to bill my insurance after the fact. A possibility for the future, perhaps. Until then, we shall restart the Pill with my regular Gynecologist. The procedure started. The nurse discussed a secret recipe she was emailed at a famous Fast Food place as the procedure began. That nurse was sweet and had a warmth in her words that kept me at peace during the procedure. The nurse gave me Tramadol and Valium, boy, was that an incredible feeling! A full five minutes later, the procedure was completed and I was assisted with my dressing. The drugs were potent and in my system long enough to make it to a chair where, I had enough time to grab a trash can and throw up. I was relieved. My closure was evident in the watery crackers in the bottom of that clear bag. My fears were moot. At some point, I was assisted to the bathroom to check my blood amount. Minimal to none, thank you very much! I had done it. I had an abortion and was feeling incredibly empowered. I had made one of the most prominent reproductive decisions of my life and for the first time I was an environment of complete support at twenty one years old! I’ve had my period since ten, was on the Pill at fourteen to regulate my bleeding, reduce the cramps that left me bedridden for a week every single month, and gave me power in what happens to my own body. For a formerly Fundamentalist Christian, sexually uneducated, religiously enforced small town girl from Kansas, this is huge! No longer was there this shadow of implied whoredom because I was going against “God’s plan” for my body. I was in a building in a city, in a state where choice is highly recognized and respected. For the first time!
The month of August began when did my husband’s ship arrived to Home Port. His ship had been training for the better portion of two months and my husband and I were desperate for contact. After having him home, we went directly to passion filled nights set ablaze our sheets as we happily planned to conceive before his deployment. We had time to process everything and we decided that we were in fact very eagerly desiring an expected pregnancy. Please read, an expected pregnancy with an expected result being a baby. Yes, you read that properly. A pro-choicer who still utilizes the purely emotional term baby. We found out that I was pregnant when ~A’s sister and her boyfriend were visiting. We were elated! How exciting! How excellent in timing! Then the day of September 20th, 2014 arrived. We had sex and a few hours after, I went for lunch. After going to the bathroom, I found ample bleeding on my panties. Slightly panicked, I texted my husband and told him I was driving to the the hospital. Sadly he was on Duty and was unable to attend. My legs were numb, my arm was numb and my bleeding was rapid. I had never dealt with this much blood before. I was seen in record time at the military hospital. I clutched my stones (Amethyst, Rose Quartz, Moonstone, Unakite) as they drew blood and performed an ultrasound. The good news was that my cervix was closed but I was still gushing blood. My hcg levels were at 250 which was not such a great sign. I remember sobbing alone in the ER. My husband deployed days from now. I was just about to complete my sixth week. And now…this was happening. They diagnosed me with Bleeding in Early Pregnancy and sent me home before telling me to return should my symptoms worsen. They did and the next day my husband and I returned to receive eye rolls and poor acknowledgement. There was no respect. There was no dignity. There was a loosely based diagnosis of Threatened Miscarriage and a metaphorical pat on the shoulder. I am healing now and not taking what the personnel did at the ER personally. Spontaneous abortions are ubiquitous.
I have since taken to seeing my civilian doctor who has been helpful and much more sympathetic. My hcg levels dropped from 250 to 125 on my previous visits. And as of last week, they were at 110. I will continue to return for more blood testing and potentially another ultrasound.
And yet, I am still finding optimism within the situation. I’ve done my blessing ritual this morning. I offered tea to Osiris as I introduced myself to him, milk to Isis and thanked my other deities for their dedication to helping me. On the day my husband deployed, I received another phone call from my civilian OB-GYN on how the chances were low of a successful pregnancy. I was heartbroken. Just when I had to remember to breathe without my Beloved Air, I would have to find a way to rekindle the fires of my heart. I have been healing well. I purchased flowers and did a releasing ceremony. My flowers were carnations in pink, red and purple. Symbolic of the innocence, the womb and the releasing them to the God and Goddess from my personal heart. I tossed the flowers in the Ocean while chanting a Spiritual Healing Chant by Lady Gianne.
“Healing rays come pouring in
Pain fades away for healing to begin
Divine love flows through me
Health and happiness comes to me
Healing the Body, Mind and Spirit
And as sure as the rising sun
Healthier daily do I thus become”
While I realize there are other chants, spells and prayers that may be better suited for such a situation, I used what I had in hand and prayed Osiris and Isis for granting my husband the I the unique opportunity we had. And to continue to bless our fertility in the future.
Ashe and Blessed Be
My Mother Goddess and I have been quite talkative today. In a cleansing and healing bath, I asked about my miscarriage and why it was happening. Her responses were concise: “You and your husband were not ready.” “You both need more time.”
I admit at first I was a little put off. Not ready? How were we not ready? Well, our finances come to mind first off. I have a plan to save at least $1200 in both our General Savings and Child Savings accounts this Deployment. While a grand amount, it is still small in comparison to the cost of a child. I have the sense that she also means emotionally and mentally.
When I asked if I would have boys, I felt her smile and a soft yes came to me. Perhaps, after deployment? Maybe?
I have felt her presence throughout this day. She is reverent, powerful and so very comforting all at once. I love her presence and have honestly needed my mother Goddess around. My own mother is facing a battle of her own. After losing 35+ years of memory has made me reflective on what is and is not important to discuss. I still have many years of pain and suffering but have many decades of strength and earnest diligence from them.
My other mothers are opening up. My beloved mother S. Ah, bless her. She is always there whenever I need her. Whether it be for a quick medical question or if I just need a shoulder to cry on.
Recently, I have come into contact with ~A’s mom, who will be referred to as K. K seems to be a very strong, prideful woman who has passed such traits down to her son. Now these are not negative traits by any means. However they are indeed easily apparent and sensed. She too has been helpful in the process of healing. Even if I confuse her with my questions and commentary. She gives great advice and is a firm hand in this process with the doctors.
Goddess Isis and I meditated together this evening. I placed my Amethyst, Moonstone and Quartz in various places on my body. An amethyst on my stomach to ease the pains of my spontaneous abortion as well as one on my low back. My moonstone on my forehead and my quartz on my lips. I asked the Goddess so many questions and she is so patient and wise with her answers. I feel an incredible connection with her this night. Thank you, Mother Goddess.
Ashe and Blessed Be.
I’ve taken to connecting more intimately with my Goddesses through my pregnancy. I’m about six weeks along and with a planned pregnancy, I feel significantly less stressed. My symptoms are minimal. And I am so very much happier.
I’ve set up our bedroom side table as my alter. I’ve set all of my stones there and have been pulling their energy throughout the day. I’ve separated them by the deity or deities I feel associate with them. For Osiris, I feel that Unakite is associated for it’s Protective properties. For Isis, I feel that Moonstone, Chevron Amethyst and Clear Quartz are associated due to their psychic,healing and clarification properties. For the God Eros, I have placed my Agate for it’s unique properties for keeping married couples in love and in loyalty. For the Goddess Eris, I have placed my Carnelian and Blue Goldstone pieces for their fiery inspiration and creativity. For the Goddess Hebe, I have placed Rose Quartz and Blue Lace Agate. And for my savior Jesus Christ, I have placed my Angelite and Red Jasper for the angelic connection and decision making. In the center of all of these Gods, I have placed Rhodonite in Quartz and Amethyst.
I light my candles. One in my prayer house and three candles in a bowl of water. I meditated and prayed to my Goddesses thanking them for fertility, safe and swift pregnancy, a great delivery. No Tokophobic attacks. And above all, healthy, happy, easy going children with an affinity for Skyrim and Anime. Lol.
I’ve had some very prophetic dreams since I was a child. I never knew how to process and interpret them until High School, however I am pleased to know that despite their intensity and pain, they have brought about a clear and concise future.
Last night’s dream was of me in my guest room turned nursery. There were twin snakes in the bed. Not baby snakes but snakes not the less. The dream then changed into this space where I saw much of my family including my mother. Her image in particular with her friends, my grandma and all the other mothers in the town that I was raised in appeared as they transformed into snakes and then, chains. The chains became more and more apparent as each connector held both the woman and their children’s faces. So much unhappiness and anger. So much pain and sorrow. As the chain began to shape the next aspect of the elemental phase, it broke. The air was suddenly filled with utmost happiness, success and relief. Like the chain was squeezing the very life out of the generations before me. And then suddenly, the faces were above me. Smiling and happy. It’s bringing me to tears as I type this! The dream then returned me back to the nursery in my home. The snakes that held my personality and love had vanished as our children lie sleeping happily in their beds. I’m still sobbing as I type this because it perfectly depicts Isis’ and Osiris’ (who has taken the position of Adonis) plans for me.
My mother has struggled with drug and alcohol addiction since I was about 10. This has potentially led to a potentially drug induced stroke in which has caused her to forget nearly 35 plus years of her life. I feel a mix of emotions right now. I’ve never been a narcissist. That was her disorder. Well, one of them. She severely abused and neglected me as I was the eldest and she had me too young. I have forgiven that. I just fretted over breaking the chain. And now that I have, I want my siblings well cared for. My three siblings aged 17, 15 and 12 have so much to still learn and I ask for prayers, good vibes and positive thoughts for their sake. I feel that this dream released so much of that to the Gods and I feel this decade long burden released, finally.
Now that my husband and I have been trying and may have some signs of pregnancy, I am just wanting to move on with my life. And I feel like I’m so close to that, I can taste it.
Today I have been pulled towards my Red Jasper, Amethyst, Quartz, Hematite, and Agate stones. They have been at my side lately and as I have several life impacting decisions coming my way, I decided to do some meditation with my little prayer house. I started in a basic sitting position with my legs crossed and my index and thumb fingers touching. I was making another attempt at opening my root chakra. I’ve noticed whenever I touch my stones, they send a surge of energy through my hands and up my arms usually. Today, I felt the surge throughout my entire body. It felt a warmth in my skin as I lie down spreading my stones around my stomach. This isn’t entirely unusual as my husband and I have been trying to conceive before his deployment and we’ve been -ahem- busy as bees on honey day. However I noticed, that I felt compelled to place my Amethyst on my forehead and latter my Agate stone as well. The Red Jasper rested on my heart and the Hematite and Quartz remained on my stomach.
In reflection, I feel that the Gods were guiding my hands and stones for various reasons. The Red Jasper over my heart for deciding on this difficult decision on whether or not we’ll be having a girl. The Amethyst to heal my headaches and anxiety with the Agate to assist with protection, and the Hematite and Quartz for more protection and clarity. I feel as though this is the first time I have really accomplished tapping into my chakras and my word was it an experience.
On a side note, no I am not pregnant yet. However I’ve been having dreams for several weeks and now that my husband is home; those dreams are increasing and becoming more of a reality. We really want twin boys and I have been praying to Isis for a couple of months now, however I am needing some spiritual guidance on accepting that we could have a girl. This is not to say that I do not value girls as I do with boys, but rather with a girl; I feel as though they have to fight harder to exist in this world. I feel they have to overcome so many more stigmas and expectations and it pains me to know that my daughter could still be fighting the same struggle that women have for generations.
Gazing at the calendar every few minutes has become habit. Checking emails, messengers and my cell phone have become constant. It’s the down-home stretch. The anticipation and anxiety has long since infiltrated my dreams as I fret over something happening to the ship. Or worse the sailors inside. But then my thoughts fade into another reality. One more home based. I’ve cooked, cleaned and analyzed every corner of the apartment we live in. Both rooms vacuumed and dusted. The kitchen, swept and mopped. The laundry finally facing it’s fate in the form of folds, creases and drawers. And the woman who has handled it all. But before we get to that, I suppose I should go back to the beginning of this journey.
I am a poet at heart, a newly married Navy spouse and an optimist through and through. I express best through writing as I was never able to express vocally as a child due to strict, religious upbringing. Whenever I married my sailor, I knew that there would be trials and tribulations attached. There would be the deployments and underway to face and there would be little to no notice on extensions or conclusions. That said, I still nodded, smiled and said “I do”. I was 21 and my sailor was 20. Not quite young enough to make the high school sweet hearts cut, but still old enough to know that we loved each other and would endure anything the Navy would throw our way.
Now, back to the topic at hand. In the time my sailor had left, I believe we experienced a precursor to the unfortunate Deployment Curse. An old namesake for the horrible occurrences that seem to happen during a Deployment. I’d read about this in other blogs and articles. The dish washer going out, the family car being stolen, etc. In our case, we had an incident with a crazed, attached neighbor, my mother facing all sorts of issues, and then the decision to procreate before Deployment.
Even now as I am again checking the calendar for some sort of inspiration, I am remembering all that I’ve learned without his presence. The strength, the independence, the discovery of it all.
The anticipation and anxiety will ultimately fade. After all, this is what I signed up for, isn’t it? I’m told that this moment will seem so intense but will vanish as soon as we lock eyes, smiles and lips.
First Ritual with Goddess Isis
July 12, 2014
I gathered the following materials for the entering ritual with the Goddess tonight. A bowl full of cool water with flowers (mine were egg shell) painted in light blues, greens and purples. I used my meditation house and a cup and placed a candle in not only both of these but in the bowl of water as well.
I sat for a while meditating with the lights off and some light music on. I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. I began to chant “I am a daughter of Isis. I am a child of the Goddess.” After several rounds, I became blissfully dizzy. I was entranced on the night of this full moon. My inner fire was strong and pure. My worries became small. I felt the spirit of the Goddess enter me and my body reveled in it. What an amazing experience!
With each passing night
I feel a deeper sense of blue.
Like the tide against the beach
I feel your antics remain askew.
My words, are mocked
and abilities ignored.
As the tides continues to yank hold
of such grains of sand,
and my feelings are implored.
My tears are choked as I swallow such salty tears.
How could I have been so fatuous to have
entrusted you with my fears?
Like the grains of sand,
I am at the clemency of your aquatic blows.
Even as the night dwindles in a calming morning,
I still find my senses froze.
I try to recall my voice of reasoning that be,
only to quickly realize how foolish it is,
for the sand to rise against the sea.
So softly you rest
your breathing so somber
as I lie here, quietly wishing
to experience such peace ever longer.
I resist the urge to trace my fingers across your chain.
watching your chest rise and fall,
fills me with more delight than I could ever explain.
The angels must have been pleased
to have given so many kisses
lathering you with divine strength,
preparing you for life’s remisses.
Through your hardest trials
you met a certain few,
who would compile
an inspirational marking,
others may find taboo.
So passionate and thoughtful,
you’ve dedicated your soul, mind and body
to preserving, protecting and providing
a message of unfailing truths.
All serving as a poignant reminder
of how fortunate I am to sleuth.